Joke Thread

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Joke Thread

Postby mercedes » Sun Aug 03, 2008 11:58 pm

Here are some jokes I get regularly..Also if this thread is ok..Can We double post in this one..? I have hundreds..LOL..I will try to stay clear of th e dirty ones..:lol:

An Aussie love story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a spatula ................

"**** OFF" she said, "they're for the funeral."

A young child asks her dad, " Daddy, where does poo come from"?
An embarrassed dad thinks about it, then replies,
"well honey, you know after you eat your dinner and your tummy gets so full that makes you want to go to the toliet, then poo comes from your bottom".
The young child stares at her dad , with tears in her eyes asks, " And Tigger"?


I lmao at that one!~ Was so unexpected~ This next one too..
*******************************************************************

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman said very proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."



Peace..:)
Last edited by mercedes on Mon Aug 04, 2008 10:34 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby Jaked » Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:07 am

Okay, I got one. This woman claims her husband dies. Before the cremation, the coffin carriers bumps the coffin into the wall. The guy comes alive again! He lives for 5 more years before the woman informs the funeral service of her husband's death again. Before the cremation, the woman exclaims, DON'T BUMP THE COFFIN!

-------------Get It?-------------

The truth is: the woman knocked out her husband and told the FS he was dead, but when they bumped the coffin and the husband woke up from his coma. She tries again, but this time she doesn't wan't her husband awake again. That is the joke.
My sig changes more often than Doctor Who (see your national BBC channel) regenarates into new melancholy actors. Oh look, Matt Smith! Gerard Butler! Colin Mochrie! That wolf from Twilight: New Moon!
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Postby mercedes » Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:33 am

Good One..~! I got it..:lol: Here's some more..I love reading jokes..:)


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?















> Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round. :lol:

****************************************************************

A man walks into the drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks," What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW," exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...."


****************************************************************

What would you do if?.....
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "D*mn."

Peace..:)
Adieux~

****************************************************************************************************
DEEPEST HOLE

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait.

Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie with a chain on it. Help me get it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy railroad tie by the chain over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air between them and does a swan dive over the edge and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "that couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was tied on one end of a 50 foot chain attached to a railroad tie."
*****************************************************************************************************

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to h*ll?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

*******************************************************************************************************

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

Without looking up from her drawing or missing a beat, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
********************************************************************************************************

An Arizona senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-10 pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What
on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to
the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


" Have a good day sir" said the Trooper

******************************************************************************************************

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

" On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"
********************************************************************************************************
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Update: Added More Jokes

Postby mercedes » Mon Aug 04, 2008 10:31 pm

I also added more to the original posts as well..Now I'll just add more this way..makes for easier reading. If there is a problem with this..please just let me know..:)

***********************************************************************************************************
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll cr*p on it's head."

*********************************************************************************************************

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do!?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

*****************************************************************************************************

A lawyer was hunting one day and shot a duck. The duck fell behind a fence, so the lawyer climbed the fence to get it. When he did, the landowner, an old farmer, happened by.

"What do you think you are doing, trespassing on my land?" asked the farmer.

"I shot a duck, and I'm going to collect it. I'll be gone in a minute."

"I don't think so," said the farmer. "The duck landed on my property, so it's mine."

"Listen," said the lawyer. "Maybe you don't understand. I'm a famous trial lawyer and I sue people for a living. Under the law, that duck is rightfully mine. If you don't let me get it, I'll su you for every dime you are worth."

"Well, I ain't from the city" said the farmer. "Out here we go by the three kick rule."

"I don't know what you are talking about," replied the lawyer.

"I kick you as hard as I want three times, then you get to kick me three times, and it goes on until someone gives. Winner gets the duck."

After looking at the old, frial farmer, the lawer agrees.

The farmer immediately plants the toe of his size 12 boot into the knee of the lawyer, who shreaks in pain. Then the farmer quickly follows up with a kick in the groin, which drops the lawyer to the ground. The farmer then kicks him once more for good measure. Several minutes later, the lawyer struggles to his feet.

"OK," he gasps, "it's my turn."

"Nah," responded the farmer, "You can have the duck."

**********************************************************************************************************

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


*********************************************************************************************************


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Hurry son..Go get your mother."

*******************************************************************************************************

:lol:
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Wed Aug 06, 2008 6:25 am

Little johnny's neighbour had a baby but he was born without ears. Johnny 's mum and dad took him to see the new baby after warning him, not to mention its ears or he would get a good hiding. Johnny looked in the cot and said what a lovely baby, lovely feet, nice hands and skin. Hows his eyesight? The baby's mother said it was perfect! johnny replied "Thats good because he'd be screwed if he needed glasses"!!


******************************************************************************************
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of ****es who want to get off, get the h*ll off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of ****es that are getting on, get your a**es in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house!" Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are ~did I just say that~ off with the two hour delay , please see the **** in the kitchen."

****************************************************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

***************************************************************************************

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Witch***

***************************************************************************************

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the
phone answering machine, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the
front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back
into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because
she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out
to the taxi while the husband goes inside to
get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver
to know the house will be empty for the night. She
explains to the driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye
to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the
cab."Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive
away. "Stupid **** was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by
the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I
hauled her fat a** down-stairs and threw her out
into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

:lol: I love that one~

****************************************************************************************

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic
Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes,
I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
real Jerk when you're drunk."


*****************************************************************************************

Peace
Adieux~:)
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More Jokes added...

Postby mercedes » Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:32 am

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved
in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
> Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
> Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
>
> St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked.
> Let me go find out," and he leaves.
> The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the
couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it
all.
>
> "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
>
> After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in
Heaven."
> "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
>
> St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.
>
> "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
> "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find
a
> LAWYER!
***********************************************************************************************

A guy meets a young lady in a bar, she seems nice and is very pretty.. So after a few weeks he proposes and she accepts..
Every day she gets up to go to work, but he doesn't know where she works and is too embarassed to ask her so he hangs at the bar hoping to hear something.
He sees the cab driver who always picks her up in the morning,, so after asking the driver where she works, the guy says i will show you.
So next morning the wife leaves at 8am, the cab returns at 8:45 am for him, so they wheel through some back roads and stop at a madams house.
The guy says you cant be serious! I used to come here when I was younger, she cant be working here!
So the driver says look buddy this is where i take her... if you want i will go and get here for you... So he goes in,, he returns with this women across his shoulder kicking and screaming , he slams her to the ground and starts to stomp her , but the husband pulls him away ,, turns her over looks at her and says ha! that's not my wife, the driver says... no shes not... this is mine, I'm going back for yours.

*********************************************************************************************

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous! If he gets angry, he'll kill us! Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

**************************************************************************************

Just park it!!



The announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can
get through." Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the power went out Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blonds exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"

****************************************************************************************


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they both were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch, The doctor then adjusted the machine to go 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

************************************************************************************
:lol:
Peace~
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Fri Aug 08, 2008 11:58 pm

**************************************************************************
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the
job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"

***************************************************************************


Since a jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "hire a strapping young man, while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring her to satisfaction".

They go home and follow the rabbis advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. Ok he says to the husband try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again they follow the rabbis advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon the wife has one of the best earth shattering ear splitting ... best nights of her life..

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly:

"you see you young schmuck, thats how you should wave a towel!!

**********************************************************************

Little Old Lady in court......

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No!, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Bob died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my bottom..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"


Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: H*ll, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little **stard!

*************************************************************************

Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small
diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure
that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my
lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********************************************************************
Why I fired my secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will
remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do
We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake. followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens
of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday. "
And I just sat there...
On the couch...





Naked.!!!!!

*********************************************************************************

Peace~:lol:
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Postby Jaked » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:02 am

I go anoher, mercedes.

My compuer was sick, so I called my 11 year old friend, John. He knew everyhing. He took one look at my computer and told me it was the ID Ten-T disease. I asked him what it meant. He said write it down. I did. It said ID10T. I used to like that b*tt head.
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Postby mercedes » Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:12 am

Good one..!~ :lol:



Peace~
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Update: Added More Jokes

Postby mercedes » Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:31 am

This is a true story;Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won:


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's fantastic...it's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This, of course, only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bottom started to feel a burning sensation. I pulled the hose out from my back, thinking that maybe the water was too hot, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I had scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish, and all of its poisonous, stinging tentacles, into the crack of my butt.

I immediately informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but my butt was swollen shut. Needless to say I couldn't use the washroom.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish stuck to your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

*****************************************************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.

********************************************************************************

A son ask his dad the difference between *theoretically*& *realistically* Dad says,..Thats hard son,but i have an idea. Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman 4 a million quid. Son comes back.."mum says yes!" Dad says now ask ur sister if she will sleep with the coleman for 2 million quid. The son comes back.."sister says yes!." Well there you go son, thats your answer..theoretically we're sitting on 3 million quid, but realistically we're living with 2 slags.!!!!!

*********************************************************************************

Two golfers on the links having a game when one says the the other, "Have you got a light?" the 2nd golfer reaches into his bag and fetches out a 12 inch Bic lighter. The 1st golfer says "Christ that's a good one where did you get it from?" he replies "My Genie got it for me"
The 2nd golfer says "Can I see him?" so the 1st says "Yes he's in my bag have a look" When the man looks he sees the Genie who asks him "Do you want a wish" So the man says "Sure..I'd like a Million Bucks Now!" Pretty soon the sky starts to get darker until it's nearly dark, when the man looks up he sees a million ducks all coming in to land. He Says to his friend "What the #$%$ happening, is hard of hearing or what?" His friend replies "What..Do you think I really asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

**********************************************************************************

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed
some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
*************************************************************************************


Cheers..:)
Please inform me if any of these are inappropriate..



Peace.~:)~
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Update: Added More Jokes

Postby mercedes » Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:42 am

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find
a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. Out of breath and dehydrated..the
Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not
need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I
must find water first."

OK,.." said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that
I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two
miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice
cold water you need. Shalom~."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your @#$% brother won't let me in without a tie."

**************************************************************************

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any
breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes
to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my
cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so,
for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says :

"Are you going to tell him, or should I? "

*********************************************************************************

Two women talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.


2nd woman: How Horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
About you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the darn freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

**************************************************************************************

Speeding Farmer

A Farmer got pulled over by a state Trooper for speeding. The Trooper started to lecture the Farmer about his speed, & in general, began to throw His weight around, to try & make the Farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the Trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As He was doing that, He kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around His head.
The Farmer said, "Having some problems with 'circle flies' there, are ya'?"

The Trooper stopped writing the ticket & said, "Well, ya', if that's what they are. I never heard of 'circle flies'."

So the Farmer says, "Well, 'circle flies' are common on farms. See they call them 'circle flies' because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The Trooper says,"oh", & goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute, He stops & says, "Hey ... wait a minute, are U trying to call Me a horse's as*?"

The Farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement & police officers to even think about calling U a horse's a*s!"

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing." & goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the Farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

*************************************************************************

Peace~:D~
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"

Postby Jaked » Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:26 pm

This is something I got from the top ten stupidest people.

Woman: "Doctors my baby is sick."

DOCTOR: "Did you give him some medication."

Woman: "He ate an ant, so I got him some ant killer."

DOCTOR: "Woman, stay calm, I'm getting an ambulance.


__________________________________________________


Another:

In Wal-Mart, there's you know, that plastic thing that seperates the stuff you stuff from other people's stuff. This cashier, when she was done scanning his groceries, started trying to scan the plastic thing. To this day she still doesn't know whats funny.


_______________________


Finale:


Kindergarden Teacher: "When they were done running the big mean wolf out of town, they had to rebuild your home, what would the wood seller say if the pig asked for wood?"

Jimmy (Mind you, this kid's only 4): "Well, I be d**ned, a talking pig!"
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:28 am

THE BLONDE IN THE CASINO

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,

But all Men are Men...

LOL...--no hard feelings of course..:P

****************************************************************************

A man walking along the sidewalk notices little Johnny was a block ahead of him, wearing a red firemans hat and riding in a red wagon that was slowly being pulled by a black labrador retreiver. When he got closer, he noticed that Little Johnny had tied a rope around the dogs testicles, hence the reason why he was moving so slowly and carefully.
"Thats a nice fire engine you've got there, but I bet that dog would go faster if you tied that rope around his neck" said the man.

"Yeah", replied Johnny, "but then I wouldnt have a siren".


I love Little Johnny jokes..:D
*****************************************************************************

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in
the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
says."Who the h*ll is Rosie O'Donnell ?

*****************************************************************************

Three finalists in the Special Olympics line up for the last race across the pool, 100m freestyle. One has no arms, the other has no legs, and the third one has neither arms or legs.
The starting gun sounds and they are off....the one with no arms or legs just slowly sinks to the bottom of the pool. As the other two finish the race they look down and see bubbles coming up from their fellow racer at the bottom of the pool and the one with arms swims down and pulls him out. While spewing and spitting water out... curses could be heard intermittantly and they asked him whats wrong....
"Four frickin years I have been training day and night for this race by learning to swim with my ears and 30 seconds before it starts.....some idiot comes by and puts a *%@& swim cap on my head".

LOL...i thought this was funny..
**********************************************************************
Jimmy and Danny are out one day when Danny decides he wants to buy a new car, so Jimmy goes with Danny to get the new car. After getting the new car Danny decides to test how fast it can go, not long after reaching 120mph the car is pulled over by a traffic cop.

Traffic Cop: Son.. I'm gonna have to ask you for you drivers license and registration.

The cop looks at the licence and notices he's from out of state.

...Son I don't know how you do things in California, but up here in Kentucky, if someone drivers their car at the speed you were doing, they're either a moron or an idiot...Which one are you?

Danny: Well off...

Smash..the traffic cop smashes Danny in the face with his nightstick.

Traffic Cop: I didn't ask you for an explanation...I asked if you were a moron or an idiot.

The cop writes Danny a speeding ticket, but before he can drive away the cop stops him again..

Danny: What now?!

Traffic Cop: Before you can go there is one bit of business left I need to do.

The cop walks around to the other side of the car and signals the passenger to wind down his window, as Jimmy winds down the window-- the cop smacks him across the face with his night stick.

Jimmy: What the ****!

Traffic Cop: Just making your wish son,... just making your wish.

Jimmy: What wish?!

Traffic Cop: Well about twenty minutes or so from now your going to turn to your friend and say "I wish that cop had tried that night stick cr*p with me".

:P

*****************************************************************************

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being
waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up
unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and
coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank
coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to
his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for
a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be
true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this
rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least
seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in
the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also
as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She
rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of
you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else
did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, "
replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do
that?"

"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there
is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the
rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to
her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope.
They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, " she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you
like to have a drink?"

"No, " said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice, " the woman replied, "I have a still, how about
a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."

So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath
room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of
a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs....

"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling
faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me, " she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with
no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there
anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.
Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"

Image

*********************************************************************

Get Outta the Car


This is a true account recorded in the Police Log
of Sarasota,Florida.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving
with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They
got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of
the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then she realized why, it was for the same
reason she had wondered why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.


A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom
she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other
end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car
jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

** Moral of the story? **

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable...:lol:
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Postby chickens1127 » Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:27 pm

I've got one that's not really a joke but creepy:

There was a man named Jim who was in jail at the Deep Mountain Jail. A fellow inmate named John at the jail had the responsibility to take the dead bodies out of the jail and bury them outside. Jim asked John if he could hide in one of the coffins with some dead guy till they got outside and then John would let him out of the coffin. So, one knight, Jim climbs into one of the coffins with a dead guy that he faced away from. They put him in the ground, and he decides to look at the body underneath him: John.


Get It?
John died in jail, so Jim is stuck in the ground with no way to get out with nobody who knows he's in there! He'll die!
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Postby Lyberodoggy » Sun Oct 26, 2008 1:39 pm

OMG that's freaking me out...
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Postby chickens1127 » Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:04 pm

Yea, it was on this TV show Fear Itself...

Another scary one:

There's this extended family that lives in Wyoming. One day the father goes on a hunting trip in the mountain and dosen't come back for 5 days...
There was a blizzard, his friend dies. When he comes back, he looks AWFUL like a werewolf with frostbite. One night, 5 goats were killed and when the old uncle looks at the father's window, he's standing there grinning with blood dripping down his teeth. Then the uncle has a talk with the father and the father almost strangles the uncle. The whole family tries to leave the home and the father ran around the house killing them all and once he killed a kid, he made the mother eat his body. It turns out that some spirit got into him up in the mountains. Eventually they shoot him with a shotgun. It was x100 more scary if you saw how creepy the guy was and how he could teleport around the house and wring your neck so quickly.


Sorry... These aren't quite jokes :D
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Postby Chromegloss55 » Sun Oct 26, 2008 5:14 pm

I cannot believe I didn't notice this thread before...

Some of these jokes are so dang funny! :lol:
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Mon Oct 27, 2008 5:21 am

******************************************************************************
Football FINALLY makes sense ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!
******************************************************************************


"t-g-i-f" vs. "s-h-i-t"

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means 'Thank God It's Friday!!'.. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "Yes, 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

************************************************************************
How Much Would You Give?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south (never does). Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

************************************************************************
Don't step on a duck!!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman having observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes upon ... very tall, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?!".
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
**************************************************************************
Little Johnny.. marches in to the kitchen where is mom is cooking..

Mom, I want a new bike, get me a new bike right now, he demands.

His mother looks up at him with amazement and asks ?Excuse me young man, what did you just say to me?? Johnny looks up and says again ?I want a new bike, get me a new bike right now!?

Johnny?s mom, now a little hot under the collar, looks at her son and say.. Johnny, you get in your room right now and I want you to sit down and write a letter to Jesus asking for forgiveness because that is no way to talk to me or anyone else.

Johnny turns, stomps into his room and sits down to write.

Dear Jesus,
I?ll be good for 1 week if you get me a new bike?

Johnny

Knowing darn well he could not be good for a whole week and knowing better than to lie to Jesus, crumpled up the letter and started over.

Dear Jesus,
I?ll be good for 1 day if you get me a new bike..

Johnny

NOPE. That wouldn?t work either, he knew he couldn?t make it a whole day. So he crumples up the letter and starts looking around the room.

He walks over to a little statue of The Mother Mary. Johnny grabs the statue and tucks her safely deep into his sock drawer. He then sits down and writes?.

Dear Jesus,
If you ever want to see your mother again.. Get me a new bike right now..

Johnny

:lol:
***********************************************************************

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Postby Lyberodoggy » Mon Oct 27, 2008 7:28 am

lol the ones with clinton and football were great
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Postby mercedes » Tue Jan 13, 2009 1:01 am

Again i'll mention it now...if any of these are innappropriate..just let me know..running out of clean ones ..lol..
**************************************************************
a guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for pittsburgh, sits down in his seat, he notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, he says to him, "hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if i ask how you got yours, " the other guy says, "well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident, i was at the ticket counter, this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there, instead of saying, ?i?d like two tickets to pittsburgh?, i accidentally said ?i?d like two pickets to tittsburgh?., so she socked me a good one." the first guy replied, "wow, this is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too, i was at the breakfast table, i wanted to say to my wife, ?please pour me a bowl of frosties, honey?, but i accidentally said, "you?ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-a**ed **

*****************************************************************

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

****************************************************************

Brooklyn Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Long Island. He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Upstate. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,dishes,and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Brooklyn girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

*****************************************************************

SILK PAJAMAS

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box...:P

*****************************************************************

One day a man who had been ship-wrecked on a deserted island for more than 10 years saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought ''It's certainly not a ship.''
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde walked toward the stunned castaway and said to him ''How long has it been since you had a good cigar.''
''Ten years,'' replied our amazed man.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
''Wonderful!'' said the man, ''This is so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a cigar can be!''
"And how long has it been since you've had a good Single Malt?'' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, ''Ten years.''
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket - removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
''Fantastic!'' he says. ''Truly a nectar of the gods!''
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked ''And how long has it been since you played around?''
With tears in his eyes, our castaway fell to his knees and sobbed.
'' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!''

**************************************************************

Enjoy~
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Postby Zenoc2 » Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:32 am

Barely on the edge of not inappropriate... but these are just plain hilarious. Could you find a few more that don't involve "playing around"?
"What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand." -Captain Spock

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Postby mercedes » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:33 am

Hi there..:)

.I just copy them into here..I never paid attention to their genre ...I get them sent to me......:) The really crude ones i don't post..but these are ok..i gather..Its hard to find clean ones, jokes without swearing in them..that is....lol..
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Postby chickens1127 » Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:55 pm

Oh, the tackle box was good, and these weren't that bad, c'mon
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Postby mercedes » Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:24 am

**********************************************************
A blonde woman is driving down a country road when she spots a field filled with sheep and a sheep herder with a staff in his hand standing on the edge of the field. The blonde thinks she will play a trick on this common man. Blondes are the subject of so many jokes, she reasons, it is time for a change. The blonde stops her car and gets out approaching the sheep herder. The sheep herder, intent in concentration, doe not notice the blonde woman until she is standing next to him. The sheep herder nods a hello to the blonde woman and the blonde woman flashes a friendly smile at the sheep herder. The two stand gazing out into the field for a few minutes when the blonde woman asks the sheep herder if she can guess how many sheep are in the field can she keep one of the sheep. The sheep herder smirks at the blonde woman and agrees. The blonde woman guesses 122. The sheep herder looks at her amazed at her correct guess. He nods yes that she is correct and tells her to go out into the field and select her prize. The blonde woman triumphantly feels vindicated for all the pains of harassment she endured as a blonde as she selects one of the animals in the field. She leads the animal back to her car and before she can open the car door the sheep herder yells, ?Miss, can I have my dog back??

***************************************************************

Two rednecks were talking over a beer, when one asks the other, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"


The other redneck scratched his head, thinking hard, then says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

**************************************************************
A man tells his neighbor he thinks his wife is selling drugs. The other morning while he was running late for work the phone rang. Before he could as anything on the phone a voice said, "Hi honey, is the dope gone yet?"
*****************************************************************
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

**************************************************************

A man is standing on the curb, getting ready to cross the street. As soon as he steps down onto the pavement, a car comes screaming straight at him.

The man picks up speed, but so does the car. So the man turns around and heads back, but the car changes lanes and keeps coming. Now the vehicle is so close, and the pedestrian is so scared that he freezes in the middle of the intersection. The car closes in on him-then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt.

The driver rolls down the window. Behind the wheel is a squirrel. "See," sneers the squirrel, "it's not so easy, is it?"

I thought this was so cute. Hehee.... Thanks Readers Digest! :lol:

**************************************************************
In the hen house is the old rooster. he aint quite doing his duties so well anymore so the farmer introduces a new rooster.
"im the big man around here now" says the virile young rooster..
"Thats fine" says the old 'un "im just gonna take a dozen or so out of these couple o' hundred hens and live out my retirment in the old coup in the corner."
"h*ll no,! says the the strapping young rooster, "These are all mine and you aint getting any!!"
"Ok, tell you what," says oldie, "i challenge you to a running race around the yard. 5 laps, but you need to give me a bit of a head start. say about 40 yards...?"
"No problem, you may as well have a hundred, im gonna win easy!!"
"Sure. if you win, you get all the roosters. If i win, I get my dozen" says the aging rooster.
"Agreed. I'm going to win.. so easily!!" boasts the youngster.

So the race is on. They start, with the old boy having a hundred yard head start.
At the end of the first lap, the youngster is only 80 yards behind.
At the end of the second lap, hes only 50 yards behind.
On the third, hes only a few yards behind, when there's an almighty BANG!!!!
The young rooster has disappeared in a cloud of feathers, and the farmers stood there with a smoking twelve bore.
"DAMNIT!!" says the farmer, "thats the third gay rooster ive bought this week!!!!"

***************************************************************
A man is driving his wife down the motorway, cruising at a steady 60mph, when his wife says she needs to make a confession.....
"I'm afraid i want a divorce. Ive been sleeping with your brother for quite some time now and he wants you to move out so he can move in with me. I want the house"
"that's ok" he replies, "Ive got all i need." he slowly accelerates up to 70mph.
"And i want your credit card, and the savings too, because I'm keeping both the kids"
"no problem," he replies again, "Ive got all i need." and takes his speed up to 80mph.
"Im keeping the car, the motorhome and the speedboat too," she continues, "so that your brother and i can have decent holidays, and with your child support we can take the kids with us."
"fine, ive got all i need" now up to 100mph.
Confused at his continually repeated response, she asks "what exactly do you have thats so important then, moreso than all of this? pointing at herself.."
and as he swerves straight into a bridge support, he answers......
"Ive got the airbag."

**************************************************************

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things: 1- The bartender is a blonde girl. 2- The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that Joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

****************************************************************

Enjoy..~:D
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Postby chickens1127 » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:57 pm

Nice ones
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Postby MRM2811 » Fri Jan 16, 2009 3:03 pm

For his 30th birthday, Tom decides to buy a parrot so he has someone to talk to.

He goes down to the local pet store and buys the brightest parrot he can find, takes it home and begins trying to teach it to speak. Though no matter how hard he tries the parrot swears and curses at him, using all forms of foul language and obscenities.

Any time Tom has friends come round the parrot starts swearing abuse at his guests and even insulted his parent when they came around for visit.
Eventually Tom snapped and strangled the parrot, the parrot pecked and clawed him back. Tom so frustrated, opened the freezer door and threw the parrot inside.

The parrot screamed and swore ... then suddenly it went very quiet.
Tom started to panic and feared he had killed the bird. Slowly he open the the freezer door to see the parrot with a terrified expression on its face.
Tom stretched out his arm, on to which the parrot climbed and spoke in a polit and sensible manner -

"I do alopogise for my disobedient behaviour and foul language. I will try my utmost to do the best I can to ensure that I speak politely and never swear again, If you feel that there is anything I can do to make things better, Please never hesitate to ask."

Tom was confused and in awe of the parrots sudden change, The parrot looked at Tom with a worried looked and said -

"May I ask one question though?"

Tom replied "Sure."

The parrot then asked " What did the chicken do? "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kmart has it all!

Two friends are talking when one man notices the other rubbing his elbow.

"Something wrong?"
"Yeah I hurt my elbow, but I cant be bothered going to the doctors"
"Just go to KMart!"
"What - KMart?"
"Yeah, Trust me they have computer there now that can diagnose your illness and give you a response as to what the problem is, all you have to do is submit a cup with urine sample."

The man thinks about this decides to try it. He takes a cup full of urine to Kmart and goes to the new computer, inputs the cup and waits. The computer examines the sample and spits out a reciept that says -

"You have tennis elbow, rest it for a couple of days"

The man is astonished at this technology, but then wonders how this computer is. He goes home and take a sample of his daughters hair, one of the dog cr*ps, one of his wife fingernail clippings and then runs off to the toilet with a dirty magazine. When he is finished he mixes it all up in a jar and goes back to KMart. Once there he inserts the jar and waits a few moments. Suddenly the computer spits out a reciept that says the following -

" Take your daughter to rehab, she has a drug problem.
The dog has worms, goto isle 5 for worming paste.
Your wife is pregnent, No its not yours.
If you keep playing with yourself your elbow will never heal"

Don't you just love technology.
Just PM me three things, a location, a time period and a item.

I will send you back a story line.
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Postby mercedes » Fri Jan 16, 2009 8:20 pm

hahaha...good one..the last one..funny..:lol:..I don't get the first one though..:?..feel sort of dumb saying that..but i don't get it..lol

OHH.. never mind..it was in the freezer..lol..ok took me a minute..:P
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Postby chickens1127 » Fri Jan 16, 2009 10:28 pm

(1000th view)

Mercedes. where do you get your jokes? A book? A website?
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Postby mercedes » Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:51 am

Ppl send them to me...sometimes i see them on websites..Also there was a website I used to go to and they had a joke thread there..and some i really liked..so i kept them..:D
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Postby Zenoc2 » Sun Feb 01, 2009 8:11 pm

Check this out.

Word of the Day:
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words
"What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand." -Captain Spock

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