Joke Thread

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Postby Lyberodoggy » Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:59 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:39 am

Little Johnny...Stand Up..

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

*********************************************************************

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

*********************************************************************

TOO SMART

A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what's your problem.?"
Harry answered. "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 X 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 X 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal. "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I dont have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question. Harry replied. "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry. "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, and a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

All right now, I know what some of you were thinking!!! Get your minds of the gutter!!

*********************************************************************
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef
*********************************************************
A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!
****************************************************************
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "B**bs."
*************************************************************

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." first IT guy says. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"
********************************************************************

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he
and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC. AND GEORGIA..:P

*********************************************************************

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra..

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and undoes her bra.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, throws her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

' Hey no problem.!., I'll do the !@#$' dishes!!'

Had to post that one..too funny..:lol:
**************************************************************

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped an inch from a shopfront window. For a second or two everything went quite in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, " i didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, for the last 25years i've been driving a Hearse."

**************************************************************
A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
***************************************************************

Enjoy..:D
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Added more Jokes~

Postby mercedes » Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:45 am

********************************************************************

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and
Gomer. The three men had done everything together.

Cooter looked at the body and said 'yep, he is pretty burnt up, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'no, it ain't Bubba'. The mortician thought this was strange so he called Gomer over.

Gomer looked at the body and said 'yep, he's pretty well burnt up, roll him over',
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'nope, it ain't Bubba'. The mortician
asked, "how can you tell"?
Gomer said, "well, Bubba had two ***holes'. 'What?, asked the mortician.'
'Yep, we never seen 'em, but everybody always said 'there goes Bubba with those
two ***holes'... :wink:

********************************************************************

Bob and Bill are two life-long friends who often have philosophical discussions regarding the possibility of the existence of God and so forth. One day, they make a pact that if at all possible, whoever passes first will attempt to come back from the beyond and give the other a sign of life after death.
As fate would have it, a few years later, Bob dies from a heart attack.

One night, about a week after attending Bob's funeral, Bill is awoken from a deep sleep by a voice that sounds kind of familiar calling his name : BILLLLLL BILLLLL, WAKE UP BILLLL...
Bill jumps out of bed and as he wakes up better, begins to realize that the voice sounds an awful lot like his dear departed friend...."Bob is that you"? he says.

YES, It.. IS.. ME.. BILL.. is the reply

Remembering their pact, Bill is quick to ask the Bob the big question: "Bob...you've come back from the beyond to honor our deal. Please tell me - I have to know - what is life after death like?"

WELL ..it's great Bill..... I get up in the morning and scr*w...Then I have breakfast...and scr*w some more...Then i have lunch... and scr*w yet some more...Then i have dinner! Afterward I scr*w till i am so tired..and have to go to sleep..!!

Bill can hardly believe what he is hearing and says "Wow, that's incredible...now I can hardly wait to die and go to Heaven!".

HEAVEN??? Who said anything about Heaven?? I'm right outside your window..?!

I'm a Rabbit!!!

********************************************************************
******************************************************************
Before marrage........

He: Yes.... At last! It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! why are you even asking!

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage..........................

Just read it Backwards!~

**********************************************************************

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....

******************************************************************

A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter.... he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No,.. no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags..

****************************************************************

A guy fell asleep on an Aussie beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with Saline, Electrolytes, a Sedative and a Viagra pill
every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do a thing for his condition,
but it will keep the sheets off his legs..

**********************************************************************

There were three men, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an angry old drunk man, all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The angry old drunk man says, 'I am very curious, Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The angry old drunk man sits down on his chair, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it up with water.'

*******************************************************************

Enjoy...!~

Peace
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Postby Zenoc2 » Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:53 pm

That's one mean drunk guy... but the rest are great!
"What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand." -Captain Spock

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More jokes~

Postby mercedes » Sun May 10, 2009 10:18 am

As a young minister in Iowa , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"

*****************************************************************

Two Blondes

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

*****************************************************************

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoying the big satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm so sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

******************************************************************
A plane is flying over the ocean.

There are a total of 5 passengers, along with the pilot. The world's greatest basketball player, the world's greatest football player, Bill Gates, and a father and his son.

About halfway over the ocean the plane begins to shake rapidly, and then everything stops. The pilot rushes out to the passengers and says, "Unfortunately, we are running low on fuel, and we will crash in about 10 minutes, as a Pilot never goes down with his plane I will be taking one of the seven parachutes."

So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 4 parachutes left, 5 people left.

The world's greatest basketball player stands up and says, "I'm the world's greatest basketball player, the world needs great basketball players!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 3 parachutes left, 4 people.

The world's greatest tennis player stands up and says, "I'm the world's greatest tennis player, the world needs great tennis players!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 2 parachutes left, 3 people.

Bill Gates stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person alive, the world needs smart people!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 1 parachute left, 2 people.

The father looks his son in the eyes and says, "Go son, I want you to live, I will stay with the plane."

The son says, "But daddy the smartest person in the world just jumped off with my backpack!"
*****************************************************************

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be d*mned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

***************************************************************

Enjoy~ :D
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Re: More jokes~

Postby Zenoc2 » Sun May 10, 2009 9:30 pm

Funny stuff!

One small correction:
mercedes wrote:..."I will be taking one of the seven parachutes."

I think you meant "one of the five parachutes." :)
"What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand." -Captain Spock

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Postby mercedes » Mon May 11, 2009 11:44 am

Actually I looked at that too...but technically there are 6 Parachutes and 1 backpack..lol..As u go down in numbers of parachutes...u would really add 1--This way they both get to jump safely--Father and Son....:D--There are 5 passengers and 1 Pilot..At least that's how I see it, so this way the joke ends they both get to jump safely..Took me minute when i first looked at it..so that's the reasoning I come up with ..:lol:..
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Postby reneuend » Tue May 12, 2009 4:06 am

You think English is easy???

Read to the end . .. A new twist


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish
Furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the
Door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18 ) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
Get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people,
Not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


You lovers of the English Language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word
That perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
Officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report
?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
Appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
---


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Postby chickens1127 » Tue May 12, 2009 9:24 pm

ok... :)
Hi... It's Chickens1127...
CHINCHILLAS ROCK!

RIP Crazygamemaker
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More jokes..

Postby mercedes » Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:08 am

-----------------------
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news,"
The doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine...."


--------------------

A man discovered that his shed was being broken into in the middle of the night by three people.
He dialed 911 and told them his situation. However, the operator told him that there were no units available in his area, but as soon as one was free, they would be sent right over.
About five minutes later, he called back and said, "No need to rush over now. I just shot them."
Within three minutes, there were a dozen police cars outside his house. The burglars were arrested.
One of the cops then came up and said to the owner, "I thought you said you had shot them>!?" The owner then replied, "I thought you said there was no one available."

----------------------------
How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating you ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for anything unusual, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake your johnson at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound
in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Shampoo your hair.
11. Taste your wifes ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
15. Admire yourself in mirror again.
16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull
off towel, shake johnson at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound once again.
18. Throw wet towel on bed.


--------------------
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
Never use "fine" to
describe how a woman looks -This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.



FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour.
It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on
your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine".



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
>"Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing"


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".



GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.


PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing"


----------------
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. 'You know, dear, " she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited to attend.

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Harvester » Fri Jun 03, 2011 9:41 am

There are some good ones there :D
*** www.nikotinzenekar.hu <-2011. album titled 'Mese' free to download! (5th button). *** www.mydarkmind.atw.hu <- under construction for a while.
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More jokes..:)

Postby mercedes » Sat Jun 04, 2011 5:16 am

Thanks Harvester!~ Here are some more I picked up..:D
**************
A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said, "No!"
He said,
"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

******************

Dear Dogs...
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted Son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

***********************
God finally speaks out on lawn mowing

God speaking to St. Francis: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there?

What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden
of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plants that crop up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord.

When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You had better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into > great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call 'mulch'. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a real stupid movie.

God: Never mind, I think I just heard that story from St. Francis.

********

:D:D
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Postby Jaked » Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:28 am

I have one:

ANYBODY, NOBODY, SOMEBODY, AND EVERYBODY

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

************************************************************
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Postby reneuend » Thu Jun 16, 2011 2:42 am

LOL! Very good.
---


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