Little Johnny...Stand Up..
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
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TOO SMART
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what's your problem.?"
Harry answered. "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 X 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 X 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal. "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I dont have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question. Harry replied. "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry. "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, and a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."
All right now, I know what some of you were thinking!!! Get your minds of the gutter!!
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Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef
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A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!
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A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "B**bs."
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Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." first IT guy says. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"
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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he
and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC. AND GEORGIA..
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra..
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and undoes her bra.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, throws her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
' Hey no problem.!., I'll do the !@#$' dishes!!'
Had to post that one..too funny..
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped an inch from a shopfront window. For a second or two everything went quite in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, " i didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, for the last 25years i've been driving a Hearse."
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A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
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Enjoy..