THE BLONDE IN THE CASINO
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,
But all Men are Men...
LOL...--no hard feelings of course..
****************************************************************************
A man walking along the sidewalk notices little Johnny was a block ahead of him, wearing a red firemans hat and riding in a red wagon that was slowly being pulled by a black labrador retreiver. When he got closer, he noticed that Little Johnny had tied a rope around the dogs testicles, hence the reason why he was moving so slowly and carefully.
"Thats a nice fire engine you've got there, but I bet that dog would go faster if you tied that rope around his neck" said the man.
"Yeah", replied Johnny, "but then I wouldnt have a siren".
I love Little Johnny jokes..
*****************************************************************************
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in
the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
says."Who the h*ll is Rosie O'Donnell ?
*****************************************************************************
Three finalists in the Special Olympics line up for the last race across the pool, 100m freestyle. One has no arms, the other has no legs, and the third one has neither arms or legs.
The starting gun sounds and they are off....the one with no arms or legs just slowly sinks to the bottom of the pool. As the other two finish the race they look down and see bubbles coming up from their fellow racer at the bottom of the pool and the one with arms swims down and pulls him out. While spewing and spitting water out... curses could be heard intermittantly and they asked him whats wrong....
"Four frickin years I have been training day and night for this race by learning to swim with my ears and 30 seconds before it starts.....some idiot comes by and puts a *%@& swim cap on my head".
LOL...i thought this was funny..
**********************************************************************
Jimmy and Danny are out one day when Danny decides he wants to buy a new car, so Jimmy goes with Danny to get the new car. After getting the new car Danny decides to test how fast it can go, not long after reaching 120mph the car is pulled over by a traffic cop.
Traffic Cop: Son.. I'm gonna have to ask you for you drivers license and registration.
The cop looks at the licence and notices he's from out of state.
...Son I don't know how you do things in California, but up here in Kentucky, if someone drivers their car at the speed you were doing, they're either a moron or an idiot...Which one are you?
Danny: Well off...
Smash..the traffic cop smashes Danny in the face with his nightstick.
Traffic Cop: I didn't ask you for an explanation...I asked if you were a moron or an idiot.
The cop writes Danny a speeding ticket, but before he can drive away the cop stops him again..
Danny: What now?!
Traffic Cop: Before you can go there is one bit of business left I need to do.
The cop walks around to the other side of the car and signals the passenger to wind down his window, as Jimmy winds down the window-- the cop smacks him across the face with his night stick.
Jimmy: What the ****!
Traffic Cop: Just making your wish son,... just making your wish.
Jimmy: What wish?!
Traffic Cop: Well about twenty minutes or so from now your going to turn to your friend and say "I wish that cop had tried that night stick cr*p with me".
*****************************************************************************
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being
waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up
unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and
coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank
coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to
his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for
a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be
true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this
rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least
seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in
the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also
as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She
rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of
you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else
did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, "
replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do
that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there
is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the
rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to
her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope.
They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, " she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you
like to have a drink?"
"No, " said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, " the woman replied, "I have a still, how about
a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."
So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath
room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of
a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs....
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling
faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, " she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with
no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there
anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.
Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
*********************************************************************
Get Outta the Car
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log
of Sarasota,Florida.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving
with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They
got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of
the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then she realized why, it was for the same
reason she had wondered why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom
she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other
end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car
jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
** Moral of the story? **
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable...